When I started this period of reflection all I could see in the Bunny section was a big ol’ mess of emotions. It all seems a lot clearer now which is the point of reflection and gratifying. Bunny is exploring his toppy/dommy side at the moment and I am more than happy to help him with this, though I wasn’t cautious enough about the effect that would have on me and quickly slipped into an infatuation based on the intensity of kink.
I spent some time discussing this with a good friend to try and get my head around developing feelings for someone that I knew with fair confidence does not reciprocate them. It would not be the first time I’d been in that situation, and a long relationship with Noise had been on a very similar basis. The difficulty one faces in that situation is
- boys can be so thick (wilfully?) and not notice these things, and
- it’s hard to choose not having the thing you want over having it under false pretences.
Having been there before though, I was determined to do the grown up thing and tell Bunny how I felt, aware that it would end our fun, and that I’d probably have to take a break from our friendship too. Better that than sour the relationship forever. Having made a decision it was just a matter of timing. He and I are going to a friend’s wedding in a field very soon and it seemed churlish to mention anything before then and potentially put a downer on what is otherwise planned to be an awesome weekend. I’ll also admit that the promise of some outdoor nookie might have had something to do with delaying the inevitable…
This path of reflection was accelerated dramatically by the revelation from Bunny that he was falling for someone. At first that stung and that needed dealing with. Cue: yet more pondering. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that what I was feeling was not because of a irrevocable attachment to Bunny, but yet again distress at being rejected. To be picked up and then put down is a natural part of casual sex as everyone’s priorities and dynamics evolve. I’m just not hardened up to it yet after a good couple of years out of the game.
I feel so much better after reaching this conclusion – refreshed!