Libido Vs. Logic

Within days of splitting with Drake I had my incredibly disappointing encounter with Dave (see earlier post: A Character) and coupled with some additional let-downs I was left carrying a not insignificant about of bile. I wrote at length in my notebook about how I was going to wreak some revenge upon mankind, right at least some of the wrongs it has done to me.

The recurring theme of these writings was to make someone fall in love with me, in order to break their heart. And a candidate is starting to show himself…

Mike turned up on my doorstep at 3am and kept me up til 5am on Friday night, which was mildly annoying, especially as I had work the next day. Interesting though, that he had gone to a fetish night, spent the entire evening in the company of my friends (whom he barely knew), bought a pizza with my topping choices in mind, and then made his way to me. He also let slip that after hearing me tell someone else how much I wanted to see a certain show he’d been trying in vain to get me one of the sold-out tickets.

This strikes me as the behaviour of someone who could easily become a lot more attached to me. Now I just have to work out: a) if I really want to go ahead with such a horrible and mean plan; and b) what’s the best way to reel him in fully.

Mike is lovely, but annoying in some ways too. (Not least of which is turning up unannounced at 3am!) Though he’s going to be tricky to coerce into love. It’s a good opportunity practice getting what I want again!

I need some.

Not much more than a couple of years ago I could always assure myself of getting what I wanted, especially when it came to boys. These last couple of years though have been shocking in that regard! I’ve completely failed to obtain the calibre of man I genuinely feel I deserve, often mistaking immaturity for passion, and fire. Silly me.

So I need to do something about it. I’ve borrowed a lot of books from a hugely successful saleswoman I know and I’m going to work both on motivating myself and getting what I want from people. I think I need to add a touch more ‘mercenary’ to my palette.

Since the beginning of our liaisons Mike has been asking me to recruit a female plaything for us to share. I told him I would try, but for some reason I haven’t really. I’m not sure why, he’s the perfect candidate to do something like this with as I don’t want to mess around with such things when in a serious, commited relationship for fear of screwing it up. He’s assured me that I would be his queen, the most cherished by far in any future couplings and I think I believe him.

How do you catch a girl for such encounters though? I’m not entirely inexperienced in courting women, though courting them from within a ‘couple’ is definitely a new thing for me. I’m worried I’ll do it wrong, and I’m worried they won’t like Mike – that would be very tricky.

Mike hopes that we can use the scenario to bring out the hidden Domme-y depths he believes I have. Yes, I can be cruel and mean, though I’m not sure I should be in such a context, I’m not sure I can trust it. I think my desire to find out coupled with my desire to please him will override those particular insecurities though. Any other doubts have to be put to one side, as has been made clear through a succession of beatings and very commanding words.

The practicalities are my hurdle now. Where do you find the right girl? How exactly do you broach the subject? I’ve a feeling this could take a while…

(Something I wrote a couple of months back. I saw the Character last night at a gig, he dedicated a song to me which was sweet.)

Many many moons ago I met a character performing in a strange little nook on a drizzly grey Mancuninan evening. He appealed to me in many ways with his tales of hatred fueled by love, love fueled by hatred, and each time I happened upon him a new coat of velvety treacle, sticky tar-like deliciousness showed itself to me.

I would imagine the violence, the fight, the passion of an encounter, and then I would shelve the fantasies until next time. And next time would come and yet more electricity would spark as he spun tales to the crowd of dark romance, love that dragged you to hell, and men and women who were up to no good.

This rhythm worked well and I enjoyed it as such, until recently I decided to engage a persuit. It didnt take much and he assumed it his doing (I’m not entirely unskilled, y’know.) The spirits poured and I drew back my claws…

to discover I’d captured a mouse. As his character fell away he revealed himself to be… Dave Jones (Well, not exactly, but near as dammit that nobody cares)

Dave fucking Jones?!

And not far from everything that the name conjures up. The darkness deserted, the wit it slid, and the well-crafted poetry of blackest romance turned to babble. (Though that may have been to do with the whiskey, or the rum…) Too late! The bubble on my less wholesome, less Disney Cap’n Jack has been burst.

Goddamnit!

A little while back Mike left a toothbrush in my bathroom. He didn’t ask, I just noticed it there one day. Am I the only one who has to take a deep breath when these things occur? To me it seems like quite a stereotypically commitment-type thing. Anyway, I took a deep breath and put my logical head on. It makes sense, and actually the fact that he hadn’t asked made it much more likely it was a matter of convenience (though who carries a spare around?!)

However odd that might have been, it’s sudden disappearance seems even odder! Mike came over a couple of evenings ago, beat me for a while with a belt which he discovered he quite likes and then took me out to dinner. Unfortunately time had slipped by on us a little and the restaurants were all closed. We bought some take out and wine and headed home again.

He sat on the sofa reading a book of mine that he’d found while I waited on him before sitting on the floor by his feet to eat myself. He wasn’t silent by any means, snippets of conversation were had, I didn’t feel ignored and once I’d finished eating I picked up my own book. Occasionally he would idly stroke my hair or rub his foot up and down my back. It was blissful if I’m honest: really relaxing. I felt the idle affection fill a whole that’d been eating at me for a while. By the time I had gotten tired and asked him to take me to bed it was half midnight – past the hour of sexual gratification and I wasn’t that annoyed. We curled up in bed and although I thought the lack of sex might keep me up it didn’t. We slept deeply, with his arms wrapped around me, holding me close (not always easy to do – I sleep like a spider).

In the morning I got up briefly to provide him with a cup of hot chocolate (odd morning request, that) and saw him out of the door with a peck on cheek and a “Have a nice day at the office, dear!” Later on while getting myself ready for work, I notice his toothbrush gone. What does that mean? Was it all too relationship-y the night before? Has that scared him? Or did he just need his toothbrush back? He seemed perfectly happy as he left but then he has a history of not telling me how he really feels.

I guess I shall have to wait and see if this is a significant toothbrush event.